当Mettā 被误解的时候。。。矛盾。

今天是一个很矛盾的日子。有很开心的事，日子接近尾声的时候也有伤心的事。

有个朋友，算是和我 ‘短绝’了朋友关系。

也许你会说，哎呀又不是失恋，何必伤心呢？朋友罢了嘛。。。你还有很多啊。。

这位朋友，说来话长，对她了解其实不太深。。。起初觉得她很像个开心果，很可爱，后来久了，发现很难了解她，甚至有时和他沟通时，会因为她的漫不经心态度感到有些不适，所以对她的好感也少了。

因为一些错中复杂的事，我们之间发生了一些误会。我感觉很内疚，也曾向她道歉。

我以为，她还是一个我值得交往的朋友。

她起初寄了生日祝福给我，其实心里真的很高兴。但因为最近的误会，我不知如何答复。最后鼓起勇气答复她时，却发现她已把祝福删除了。

我去了她的facebook网页留言说谢谢。。。在那里。。。 我也看见她的最新留言：
“少了个朋友，心里也开心点。，，” 我不多想，就不理了。后来由于一时的好奇我又回去看看，发现我为她留下的留言，也被她立即删除了。

或许是我敏感，可是我能感觉她指的那位，就是我。因为上几回遇见她时，都感觉她和我说话时的态度很不自在。

觉得有点惊讶。。。为什么呢？我做错了什么？

很伤心。毕竟她是个朋友。

我寄了电话短讯给他。我说这样我很伤心，因为我是真的看待她为朋友，虽然最近我们发生误会。我也祝福她安宁，快乐。

后来得到的回讯，她说她很开心，我的祝福比较像是"sarcasm". 她又说她很开心，因为她有很多很“真实”的朋友和家人。

灰心。原来我的好意，对她来说，只是一句台词，我的面孔，在他眼中只是一个面具。

为什么会这样？ :'(

metta is love. loving-kindness. why is that you wish people peace and happiness they call u sarcastic???? WHY??????????????

Now

There is no past
THere is no future
Now is present
Focus on the now.

my personal DNA

You are an Experiencer

Your inquisitive nature, imagination, and hands-on practicality make you an EXPERIENCER.
Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things.

You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently.
Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences.
Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things.
You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems.
You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions.
You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

If you want to be different:
Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part.
Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.

how you relate to others
You are Faithful
Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.
Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends.
Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener.
While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you.
Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.
Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society.
Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings.
Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously.

If you want to be different:
Some of the alternate perspectives that you understand may have more value than you give them credit for—keep in mind that right and wrong aren't always so clear-cut.
While you are able to reap the benefits of your time alone, and may see interacting with a lot of people as more tiring than exciting, remember that there is a lot to be learned from experiencing things and not just reflecting on them.

why? 我心中的呐喊

Why do i do the same mistakes again and again? have i got no self control at all?

why can't i just tell myself that i will be more confident with myself?

why must i make people's life more miserable?

how???

i am frustrated... i wanna get out of this rut... i dont want to continue to be in this state of self pity... worthlessness... i want to be confident..

i told myself to be positive.... but why do i fall back again to the grey mode, so fast?

i need to do something, its ruining myself, it's ruining my relationship with ppl around me.... i need to do something before it's too late!!!

Do you believe in God?

Am i spiritual? or... am i spiritual enough?

i suppose sometimes, when i am calmer, i am more aware of the surroundings, when i am neutral, i am spiritual.

there are times, when i am feeling stressed, uneasy, easily irritated, upset for minor reasons... i think about negative things... that is when the spirituality in me is nowhere to be found...

Final med is a tough year... and time and time again i lose my spiritual side... (i think) as a result, the frequency of 'unhappy events' are higher as compared to previous years... today, i met Ben, he is like one of our tutor in the CSI, he was reminding me that its very important for us to keep a strong sense of spirituality deep within us, and also to believe in god in times of hardships...he asked me, "Do you believe in the powerful one up there? He is always beside you to help you..."

I replied, "yes, of course... and i do believe that he takes many forms to remind us/take care of us... as an example, he sends people to help us/ take care of us. That is how he reaches us.. and i believe, within everyone of us, there is a god, to lead us the way in our lives....hmm, perhaps he sent u to me today to remind me, to be strong inside!" :)

Going back to my 'fluctuating spirituality', i believe that is a sign that i have not trained my mind well enough... as a result of lack of 'spiritual exercise', i let myself go astray with negative thoughts many times a day... as a result, i frequently think of giving up when things get tough, i get depressed when things do not turn out as planned, i get mad/angry when i could not get things done in time, i feel lousy, and ugly, sometimes a little stupid... all of these are good indicators, signifying that i need to be more alert n keep more in touch with my spiritual side.

I would like to end this post with a shout out (taken from my friend, Alicia's facebook shoutout...

"No other person can make you feel beautiful. You give all these things to yourself by growing as a person and changing the way to talk to yourself."

Enough said, cili padi, stay strong...you can make things happen! :)